The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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