It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
