My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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