New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
