My liver just broke up with me...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
