Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
