Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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