I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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