Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
