Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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