I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
