so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
