do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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