He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
