First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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