Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
