hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
