Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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