Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
