Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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