So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
