Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
