just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
