WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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