we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
