giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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