i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
