I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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