Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
