My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
