Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
