I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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