his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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