3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
