His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
