You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
