Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
