if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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