My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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