I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
