dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
