im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
