So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
