why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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