not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
