I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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