Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
