I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
