i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'd cum for enchiladas.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
