i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
