I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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